Dillon the Enhatted

There are many mysteries in The Third World. There are many mysteries in most worlds, but we tend to gloss over a number of those mysteries as either unimportant or easily explainable by someone else. The denizens of The Third World often gloss over their mysteries like that as well, but their mysteries are harder to suppress, as well as more obvious to outsiders, than those of our world and similar ones. This is, in part, because the mysteries of The Third World tend to be very aggressive. Consider Merlin, magic, the Nadir, the incessant legend of Rag ‘n’ Rock, the religious codes imposed on the followers of nearly all of the lesser deities, and, oh, dozens of other things. Take into account also that all words that translate into our language as “dozen” do not, by strange circumstances, translate into our language as twelve, but rather one thousand and three. Give or take seventeen.
But few are quite as rawly mysterious as Dillon the Enhatted. Some believe that he is one of the Gods, while others believe that he’s one of their avatars, or has been blessed by them. There is a general consensus by all who know of him that he has some sort of relationship to the Gods. Many of them have claimed some sort of responsibility for him, but he almost always does something quite different from what they say he’s going to do. This leads many to believe that he is actually an enemy of the Gods, and that the Gods really don’t know why he is. Some believe that the Gods are clever enough to announce that he’s going to do things that they don’t want him to do, but many who are observant think that, well, the Gods just aren’t that clever. But none of them ever dare say it, because the Gods really can and do find out about people who say things like that. And the Gods don’t take kindly to being bad-mouthed. Usually. Eris occasionally enjoys being mocked. But Eris is not Dillon the Enhatted. We think. Sure, they’ve been seen in the same room together, but Eris is very confusing. She may not even know herself whether she is Dillon or not. As the case with most questions, it’s probably best not to try to ask her about it. You can guess why this is if you know anything about Eris whatsoever. Of course, the asker could be safe, but they could also be turned into a giant all-consuming muffin or something much worse.
But we digress from our subject: Dillon the Enhatted. Upon first glance, few denizens of The Third World think that he seems mysterious at all. He wears a darkened cloak, which covers his entire body except for the top of his head. It is even structured so as to cover his face, but for a slit for his eyes. It looks to be black, but is actually a very dark green, much like a gloomy forest. His eyes are where he begins to look a little bit mysterious. They are a shining, glorious, and eerie golden. Not jaundice yellow, but truly an astonishing gold color. For this reason, he generally keeps his eyes closed, or at least narrowed, as much as he can. Were there sun glasses in The Third World, he would almost certainly wear them, which would turn his air from sad mystery to happy villainy. What really clinches the air of mystery is what he wears on top of his head. It appears on the surface to be a single hat. But if you were to follow him in his travels for more than a few days, it would become apparent that, in fact, he has many hats within that one hat. It gradually shifts to different kinds of hats, of varying shapes, colors, and even sizes. A hat in The Third World is strange enough, and an enchanted ever-changing one even more so. But the most mysterious thing about his hat has not yet been related. Dillon the Enhatted has never been seen without his hat. Thus his title. There are many varying theories as to why he has never been seen without his hat. Some say that it is actually a part of his physiology. Others say that a God, deity, or magician “cursed” it to sit upon his head for eternity. A small minority suggest that he just likes it. Because of the strong possibility that he is a God, many fear to ask him the purpose of the hat. The fear is completely unfounded, however, as Dillon the Enhatted has never displayed any sort of violence that we, in our World, would consider unwarranted. His displays of violence are quite unique, but are not the subject of this article.
Dillon the Enhatted travels The Third World, with no apparent pattern to his movements. He is most often found in Pubs and Inns. Whenever someone tries to talk to him, he begins to tell a tale or sing a song. It often relates at least vaguely to what the person who approached him asked, but occasionally it doesn’t in any discernable way. These facts-the wandering, the taverns, the tales-all lead to the general consensus that, whatever else he may be, Dillon the Enhatted is a bard. There’s really no other thing that he could be in that category. He’s certainly not a repairman, or a plumber. Dillon the Enhatted is in fact the greatest bard ever known to have lived across the known multiverse. He seems to know ever story and song ever told or sung. Could his stories be controlled, it may be possible to learn the entire history of the world, though with his opulent tale telling style, it would take several life times. It is widely suspected that it is in fact impossible to harness his tale telling. However, because he tells tales with little to no request, the Coonsks consider him one of the most trustworthy citizens of The Third World, because one of their philosophical slogans is: Those who know don’t say, and those who say don’t know.
Dillon the Enhatted has been wandering as a bard for as long as anyone can remember. There are accounts of him going back thousands upon thousands of years. There are ancient carvings and paintings that depict a man in a cloak and hat relating stories to people who appear to be drinking. Even the Nadir have records of such a man visiting them very, very early in their recorded history. He is, much like the Gods (whether or not he is one) known to nearly every denizen of The Third World. He may also be the least feared denizen of The Third World, considering his tendency towards non-violence. Of course, being apparently immortal, and so mysterious, he is still greatly feared. The Third World is, obviously, in great part a fear-based world. Back to the point, Dillon is ancient. He hasn’t had to actually order a drink in millennia. All bartenders in The Third World know the drink that he orders. He drinks what has become to be known as “Dillon’s Fiver.” It consists of one part formaldehyde, one part God Tears(a Third World variation on scotch, which was developed by Merlin one and a half millennia ago according to one of Dillon’s tales), one part turnip juice, one part enchanted wine, and one part chilled Bovate milk. For the last thousand years, nearly every barkeep in The Third World has kept these things available, just in case. They will give the drink to Dillon for free, as long as he tells a tale or two. For everyone else, it is extremely expensive, as Bovate milk and turnips are very rare and expensive things. It is extremely intoxicating, and many an untrained bard has incidentally brought his own death upon himself by drinking it before he was ready. In modern bard law, you cannot be a true bard until you have drank a glass of Dillon’s Fiver and stayed standing. Needless to say, there are only a few dozen true bards. Dillon the Enhatted is often considered to be the only figure that they truly worship, as the rest are, to them, just good sources for tales.